I usually don't watch TV, save for the occasional BBC and CNN newscast for a world update. Local TV is about talking heads who have nothing to say. Numbingly boring. I believe the talking heads are their own audience.

But the other day I saw the president of the United Republic of Bongo doing his show. He was opening a road somewhere in central Tanzania. Of course that was maendeleo – development, as the area has been depressed for decades.

But then he started getting quite angry about critics who didn’t appreciated what his regime has done to fight corruption. I was quite alarmed. A man should not be so sorely provoked...

Then it was really show time. He turned to a Japanese official of the company that had built the road." Has anyone asked you for money so you could win the tender to build this road?"

No, sah, replied the hapless fellow.

The show continued: "You see, no one took any money. You people are only jealous of people who have made it. If someone turns in his motorbike and buys a car, you say he is corrupt. If someone builds a house through hard work, you say he is corrupt... If someone is corrupt, then tell us about it and you are going to see. But you must have proof. Even the press – you must have both sides of the story."

"I was a journalist. I know. You don't just accuse people for corruption without proof!" he said. Extremely well put. Which means Bongo is the cleanest society this side of Africa. 

Our government is squeaky clean. No corruption here. I personally warn anyone who says there is big-time corruption in Bongo – before you open your big mouth,. you must have proof!

If some minister who was a Marxist in the Ujamaa days of Mwalimu Julius Nyerere, suddenly turns into a propertied multimillionaire, don’t jump to conclusions. He got there because of diligence and hard work. So either put up or shut up.

Of course the press don't have proof. It’s just envy. They are putting two and two together because they begrudge his legally-acquired riches.

But who says corruption is about suitcases full of money? You tend to get the impression that furtive guys meet in sinister dark alleys and exchange suitcases full of crisp Bongo notes. If you spy on them and see them doing it, you snap pictures with your hidden infra-red camera and then go report to the government with the proof.

But wait a minute. Is that my job? I’m not some hotshot US reporter with infinite resources and gadgetry. My camera is a bulky Ujamaa vintage model and anyway the flash stopped working long ago.

But everyone knows that the Bongo government has vast resources with which to spy on its suddenly rich functionaries – should it wish to do so. There is an anti-corruption bureau in place. But no one has ever been nabbed.

Even Zimbabwe's Bob Mugabe threw his former finance minister Christopher Kuruneri into the slammer. He got caught siphoning off tonnes of foreign currency. One million dollars, 30,000 euros and 37,000 pounds sterling. Not in Bongo. We are squeaky clean!

What if a former Marxist suddenly becomes a businessman – and a very successful one at that? What if his wife suddenly becomes the sole owner of a parking company, his son is awarded a tender to import tyres?

What if the sons of the top officials are suddenly awarded scholarships abroad while others are at the University of Dar es Salaam worry about how they are going to pay their tuition fees?

The son of a top honcho went to school in the US of A. He decided to major in partying. Naturally, he was arrested numerous times for drunk driving. Dad sent over mum and a bodyguard (at the Tanzanian taxpayers’ expense) to reason with him. But the young man said no. He was not coming back to Bongo.

Another son of a big shot decided to go to – where else? – the US of A. Dad was soon sending over $14,000 every two months to buy his poor, lonely offspring an education. Where did he get the money? Hard work and diligence, of course.

But, come to think about it, I don't want to lose sleep and get heartburn indulging in all this envy of people who earned their riches through diligence and hard work. Mind you, even though they make it look ridiculously easy, it is hard work, indeed, parting taxpayers from their money. 

Adam Lusekelo is a correspondent for the Sunday News. E-mail: 
adluse@hotmail.com
 

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